Friday, June 7, 2013

The Scary Movie Survival Guide

Something I wrote in 9th grade that I thought I would share: how to survive any scary movie!
He will eat your soul!
1.    Always remember: it’s real. Yes, your dish-water did just turn into blood. Yes, that tapping noise under the bed is an ax-murderer. You are not hallucinating when a zombie pops out of the wall and tries to tear your arm out of its socket. Believe the crazy stuff that’s happening and get the freak out of there.
2.    Going off of number one: GET THE FREAK OUT OF THERE. It does not matter if your great aunt Gertrude has a bad knee; she can hobble herself out into the street when a vampire smashes through the bedroom door. Leave before stuff gets worse. Which it will.
3.    Never, absolutely never investigate. Noises, sounds, dark figures, they’ll go away if you just cower under your blankets.
4.    Pay attention to the crazy people and the little kids. In a world of unhinged horrific happenings, when your baby says “bunny wants to kill you,” it’s probably true. Also beware of all imaginary friends if they’re called something other than Bob or Sally. No little kid would come up with the name Theresa or Angelo. If your kid is playing with an imaginary friend named Dæmien, something is wrong.  
5.    Accept that your new boyfriend may have something wrong with him.
6.    Anyone with creepy eyes is possessed. Leave them alone.
7.    Call the exorcist. So you don’t believe in demons. You don’t want to have a revolutionary mind-shift as you’re being dragged through a portal to hell. The time to expand your horizons and trust a good old fashion guy in a black robe and a white collar is the first time you hear your dog speaking in Latin.
8.    On that note, if it’s Latin get the freak out of there.
9.    Do not listen to the voices, especially if you repeatedly wake up carrying a large butcher knife covered in a mysterious red substance.
10. Houses with history are not appealing. Especially if they’re going for a cheap price. Always check to see if there were any sociopaths bricking people up in walls before you move in your two-year-old. Indian burial grounds are a big no-no for site development too. Never buy a house with a graveyard for a backyard, and don’t even set foot in one that used to be a funeral home.
11. The indigenous dude with the long beard and funky ear piercing knows what he’s talking about when he gives you a heap of cow dung with some of your hair and a paper clip in it. Even though it looks a little sketch, keep it on your bedside table. I assure you, it will make the bad dreams go away.
12. On that subject, pay attention to your dreams.
13. Medications are not the problem. Period. It’s demonic activity, not an O.D. on Prozac.
14. When someone dies, it was never a suicide or an accident. There is a murderer afoot somewhere in the shadows.
15. Screaming and running is not an effective means to stop a chainsaw toting man in a hockey mask. Remember, even if he is deranged, he still has some sensitive spots. And I don’t mean bringing up his troubled childhood and his dead rat Boo-boo.
16. Crawlspaces, attics and basements are to be avoided at all costs.
17. The werewolf, zombie, vampire, banshee, wayward spirit, demonic presence or evil clown is not your friend, even if it was your best bud a few seconds ago. This one may be a little hard to accept. First, get yourself the freak out. Then you can seek some serious therapeutic help.
18. Look up.
19. Throw away all dolls and puppets. You might want to chop them up first. 
20. When buying a house, if the door is creaky and you hear a disembodied voice calling your name from the garbage disposal, it’s time to get a new listing agent. Also, if there appears to be an abundance of religious artifacts, particularly creepy old saint statues under white sheets, you want a different house.  
21. No Ouija boards. Just don’t do it.
22. The high electricity bill is the least of your problems. Sleep with the lights on.
23. Avoid mirrors.
24. If your child shows an aptitude for remembering dates of mass human extermination, has a correspondence by the name of Beelzebub, or speaks with a deep mature voice and attempts to lure you into a dark alley, you may find yourself in the unfortunate position of having to stake them through the heart with an enchanted dagger. Have your mental breakdown after you’ve rid the world of the Antichrist. Then seeks some serious therapy.
25. Always remember, someone, somewhere, is most likely lying to you.
26. It may be wise to carry around your basic bag of garlic, silver bullets, holy water and oak stakes. A lot of horror movie monsters are resistant to these things, but even a 2,000 year old vampire will most likely stop for at least a minute if you shove a large bit of wood through its head.
27. When hiding in some dark enclosed space, first check to make sure nothing else is hiding with you, then secure an escape route. It’s all fine and dandy to hide in the coffin display in the front room until its previous undead occupant fuses some steel locks over it and buries you alive.
28. Do not sneeze.
29. The man with no heartbeat, reflection, and unusually long canines is not who he says he is.
30. If you’re blond, get a freaking machinegun because, sorry to break it to you sugar, but your zombie boyfriend is coming after you. 
31. If it is nighttime, do not leave the house alone. Never go anywhere alone, and never never NEVER take a shower. It’s better to stink to high heaven then to find yourself walking through the pearly gates.
32. Never go back for the camera. Let’s face it, no one is going to believe you anyways. They will scoff at your preciously captured video evidence, so it’s better to get out of there alive right?   
33. Weird looking food was made of humans. Call the police.
34. Check the sidewalk for annoyingly breakable little sticks that will quite nicely give away your position before attempting to sneak past a cannibal.
35. Stop taking your medication and do not let the smiley man in a white plastic coat inject you with any type of substance, especially if he tries the “this will make all the voices go away” approach.
36. Never ask yourself “What would Van Helsing do?” You are not Van Helsing, and it will not work.
37. Do not split up and look for clues. Unless you’re in a Scooby Doo horror movie, because then the monster is just some lunatic in a Halloween mask, so feel free to go expose him/her and claim all the glory.
38. Don't feed it after midnight, and don't get it wet. 
39. That door is locked for a reason!
40. And Lastly, the most indefinitely important rule to surviving a horror movie: Pay attention to the danger music!!

Trust to your common sense and follow these guidelines, and your chances of surviving almost any horror movie will definitely increase. If however, you find yourself in a position where, unfortunately, you’re going to die, make sure you go out in an epic fashion. You will most definitely be remembered more fondly if you are massacred with more than one bullet, have your insides ripped out, or your brain split open, then if you trip over a box in a dark hallway and fall out a window. 

Song of the Day: 

1 comment:

  1. ROFLMAO!!! This is the BEST thing I've read all day, and SO TRUE! (You must have survived quite a few scary movies to have compiled such a comprehensive listing.) ;-)